The Person Who Has No Idea

Anytime a victim of abuse speaks out, particularly a woman accusing a man, there is an immediate rush to defense. People speaking up about how this person has always been kind to them, they never witnessed any of this abuse, or we shouldn’t rush to judgement until there are cold hard facts to support it. Friends and family rush to protect their own, saying there’s no way. The problem with this is often, unless its physical abuse and photographs were taken, there is little to no proof the abuse occurred. So we are left with a decision. Believe the accuser or believe the accused. Time after time, the accused faces a little backlash, but all is mostly swept under the rug.

As an example, everyone was quick to forgive Chris Brown, because after all, even though you saw the pictures, Rihanna took him back. But then, he continued the behavior with other women. It took 60 women accusing Bill Cosby for us to believe it. 87 women accused Harvey Weinstein.

The shock and disbelief that occurs when you’re told this happened yet again is astonishing. Didn’t someone else tell you this before? Why are you surprised? Emotional and Mental Abuse is a strange thing. The abuser breaks you down, strips you of any self esteem, scares you into hiding the truth from others and from yourself. The abuser brings you to a point where you can only count on them and the thought of losing them terrifies you, even though you know the relationship is bad, even though you know you should get out. When the truth comes to light, friends and family will say, I had no idea. And you know what, they probably didn’t. I say this because I was someone who had no idea.

Let me tell you a story about my best friend, we’ll call her Anne and her ex, we’ll call him Larry. Anne and I have been best friends for years, to say we know each other better than anyone would be an understatement. We all met Larry at the same time, at a bar in our 20’s. He was friendly and fun and asked her out on a date. They dated for 2 years in which Larry attended every family and friend function, lavished Anne with gifts, went above and beyond for her and her friends, and seemed like a genuinely good guy.

He worked a civil service job and so he would work overnights for 3 days and be off for 4 and so on. So it wasn’t strange when Anne would spend all of her time with him as they would go days without each other. It wasn’t strange when Anne would only go out with him, they were young and in love, that’s what most couples looked like. It wasn’t strange when Anne had put on a little weight and stopped wearing as much makeup, most people who are comfortable in their relationship do that. It wasn’t strange when she announced they were moving in together because being in our mid 20’s, that was the next step. It wasn’t even strange when the condo he picked out was 45 minutes away because its expensive where we live and it was bit cheaper there. It wasn’t strange when Larry helped a friend move out of state for the weekend, because Larry was a nice, helpful guy and did stuff like that all the time.

It was strange when Larry’s girlfriend called Anne on the phone to ask who the hell she was and why she was texting her boyfriend. See Larry had a girlfriend where he worked and he had Anne. He was all ready to set Anne up 45 minutes from home so there was no chance the 2 of them would come in contact or anyone would question things. If Anne was far enough away from her friends and family, we would have no idea how often he was or wasn’t home.

It wasn’t until after their breakup, in which Anne was devastated for months on end, that she started to tell me things. Things like he wouldn’t let her go out unless he went with her. How he insisted she go straight to his house after work every day they were going to be together and he wanted her home so he could call her when he was at work. How he didn’t want her dressing up or wearing makeup because he didn’t want other guys looking at her. How he would at times “play fight” with her, but leave bruises. How one time it was so bad, he was dragging her down the stairs and his mother had to intervene. How he once made her perform oral sex on him while he was sitting on the toilet.

I had no idea.

He had threatened to leave her, told her she was worthless, stupid, wouldn’t ever find anyone else but him.

I had no idea.

The months that followed were hard on Anne. She cried all the time. He had damaged her so bad psychologically that she truly believed she would never find someone else. She would text and call him periodically because she was still stuck in the mentality that he was the only one for her. So much so, she stood on a street corner at our friends bachelorette party, sobbing her face off telling me no one would ever love her as much as he did. I smacked her in the face. I was so mad.

Mad at her for thinking it.

Mad at him for doing this to her.

Mostly, mad at myself because I HAD NO IDEA.

I am happy to report that Anne is now happily married and the mother of beautiful children with a bright future for herself and her family. But I will never forget going through that with her and I will never forget that I had no idea my best friend in the world was going through this.

So the next time you think twice about believing someone, the next time you defend someone’s abuse, the next time you think this isn’t the person you know, just remember you might be…

The Person Who Has No Idea.

#ItsJustaTVShow

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Perhaps the most infuriating phrase hurled at me every time I am passionately discussing a tv show is “it’s just a tv show”. This is usually word vomited by someone that would sever your head if you so much as suggested that “it’s just a book”, “it’s just a game”, or “it’s just a *insert inanimate object that means something to the person*”. The idea that something I like or feel passionately about is “just a” anything is a belittling statement. You may not realize it, but what you’re saying is, “this thing you like is dumb, therefore you are dumb and I don’t want to hear about your feelings”. Ok. Gee. Thanks.

It’s not so much about me being a special snowflake that can’t take criticism, it’s the way you phrase it that’s demeaning. “It’s just a tv show” is usually precluded by an exasperated sigh, sometimes an eye roll or side eye, in a condescending manner. It’s not like you said, “I don’t really watch that show so I don’t know what you’re talking about” or “I’m not really that much into tv”. That is at least a more polite way to acknowledge that you don’t care about what I’m talking about. Furthermore, you don’t know how that tv show affected someone’s life. Maybe it saved their life? I know there are large fan communities that would tell you this very thing. That loving something and being a part of it brought them happiness and joy. When my father passed away, I clung to my New York Rangers. They’ve always been my favorite hockey team, but focusing on them and rooting for them was one of the few things that brought me joy during one of my darkest times. Do not invalidate someone’s love of something just because you don’t think it’s important.

Not that I should ever have to explain myself, but let’s try. My favorite thing is television. I love a good story. I used to be an avid reader and I have found that I don’t have as much time or energy to read as I used to and so I watch tv. I like to watch intricate stories develop over seasons, culminating in a series finale. It’s like reading a good book series. Coincidentally, some of my favorites are book or comic adaptations. For me, the nuance of dialogue and storytelling is really important. Now, there are some things I watch simply for enjoyment, and those shows I would never deem to analyze or pick apart so intently because that’s not their purpose. There are others, however, that have meticulously crafted storytelling and those are the ones I like to theorize and dissect and even sometimes, criticize. I even host a podcast dedicated to television so that I can carve out a specific time during my week to talk about one of the things in my life that brings me joy. So do me a favor, try not to belittle it.

Maybe we should try an exercise.

Next time you’re upset because your baseball team didn’t make the playoffs, I’m going to say, “It’s just baseball.”
Next time you’re upset because your brand new car got a dent in the parking lot, I’m going to say, “It’s just a car”.
Next time you’re upset because the daycare you bring your child to is raising the price, I’m going to say, “It’s just money”.
Next time you’re complaining about your job, I’m going to say “It’s just work”.
Next time something really important to you breaks, I’m going to say, “It’s just *insert inanimate object here*”

And then when you flip your shit on me, I’m going to implore you to remember that it’s rude to belittle someone. Then, maybe the next time you feel the words, “it’s just a tv show” creeping into your throat, you’ll think twice about spitting them out. I would also like to take this opportunity to apologize to Fifty Shades of Grey and La La Land fans, yes I think your thing is awful, but you go on and love it all you want. I am in no position to tell you what is or is not enjoyable to you.

I have spent an exorbitant amount of time listening to my friends and family talk about their wedding plans (I am not married), their children (I have none), buying a home (I inherited mine), complaining about their job (I like mine), or any number of things that I may not be able to contribute to the conversation, but I listen and try to respond accordingly because that’s what you do. Because I care about you and your family and your child and your house and you job. It’s “just a tv show” to you, but to me it’s something I have invested my time and maybe even money into and I don’t appreciate it when you disregard me the same way you wouldn’t like it if I told you to shut up about your kid. Did it ever occur to you that because I have no family, no children, that this is my “thing” that I look forward to every day? No, I’m sure it didn’t.

Game of Thrones: Blink and You Missed It; Gilly Says What?

As we get closer to the end of Game of Thrones‘ seventh season, it becomes increasingly difficult to focus on a particular moment because every moment is A MOMENT! Between Drogon letting Jon touch him, Gendry finally returning, Jaime and Tyrion coming face to face, and Jon creating the ultimate #SquadGoals to head beyond the wall, let’s focus on the not so obvious moments…
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Game of Thrones: Sansa Is Not Her Mother’s Lady Stark

These first 4 episodes of Season 7 have fed us Stark fans well! Bran and Arya both have made their way back to Winterfell and reunited with their sister, Sansa. While Jon is away, Lady Stark has been in charge and she’s doing a damn good job so far. She and Jon had some disagreements in the beginning, but let’s be honest, if Jon just had the good sense to discuss things with Sansa before announcing them to everyone, he would save himself (and us) a lot of headaches. Sansa is a character who went from “kill this bitch” to “protect her at all costs” over 7 seasons and she’s proven herself worthy of our devotion. This is a young woman who has gone through hell and back and is desperate for a real and true connection to someone. Even though she’s been with Jon a while, their disagreements and her not being so kind to him in the past, leaves her feeling lonely, until she sees Bran at the gates… click here to continue reading.

Game of Thrones: Lady Olenna, The Real OG of Westeros

HBO’s Game of Thrones delivered quite the satisfying episode on July 30, 2017. The Queen’s Justice (S7, Ep4) brought us the long awaited meeting of Jon Snow and Daenerys Targaryen, but for me the night was made by none other than the Original Gangster of Westeros, Lady Olenna Tyrell. Lady Olenna has long been a fan favorite, what with her witty comebacks and overall disdain for Cersei. Her classy and quiet manipulations are the opposite of Cersei’s brash behavior…. click here to continue reading
*Published July 31, 2017 TV Source Magazine

Game of Thrones: Arya’s Journey and [Spoilers] Return

Sunday nights episode of Game of Thrones saw Arya reunited with Hot Pie while on her way to King’s Landing. Arya is a woman (yes I think we can stop referring to her as a girl now, she murdered an entire extended family) on a mission. Hell bent on revenge, Arya is trading baking tips with Hot Pie when he innocently questions why she isn’t headed north to Winterfell. Arya can’t imagine why he would ask such a thing, until he reveals that her brother Jon is now King in the North. Arya can’t drop her goblet fast enough and she’s out the door towards home.

Arya is headed for the Stark reunion we’ve all been waiting for, but not before a more unexpected reunion that comes in the form of her former Direwolf, Nymeria. Alone in the woods with her horse, Arya is surrounded by a pack of wolves being lead by a gigantic Direwolf. It doesn’t take Arya long to recognize this furry beauty as her own sweet pet, Nymeria. Hoping for a warm reunion, Arya pleads with Nymeria to come home with her. Nymeria stops snarling and gazes at her former family member before turning and leaving as if to say, I remember you, but this is my life now. Arya, hurt at first, steps back and wistfully watches Nymeria walk away, “no that isn’t you” she says, almost proudly.

This moment harkens back to season 1 when a much younger, unaffected Arya told her father that frilly dresses and castles with young Lords just wasn’t her. She recognizes in this moment that while all of this has been going on, Nymeria has made her own life. She has found her own pack. Perhaps, being someone’s pet was never for her.

In the books, the wolves play a much larger role than they do on the show. The showrunners have explained that apparently they’re too expensive to conjure up on tv? Butttt dragons… yeah, anyway, in the books, Arya and Jon have warg powers like Bran and often see through their wolves in their dreams. There are tales of a large pack of wolves killing off Stark enemies, like the Frey’s, led by Nymeria. A wolf killing Frey’s? Sound familiar? There is a reason each Stark child had a Direwolf and each wolf reflected their child. Nymeria, like Arya was thrust into a life of loneliness and fear. And like Arya, she found a way to make herself the strongest, the bravest, and the fiercest of the wolves.

Nymeria cannot go home with Arya, because a pet in Winterfell is a home that no longer fits her. One has to wonder if this is a reflection of Arya herself. After all she has been through alone, after everything she’s done, can she just go home? What will be there for her when she does? Arya has grown up so much, no longer the little girl she once was, now a Faceless Man and skilled assassin. Jon is having a tough time dealing with Sansa being grown, however will he manage Arya? Sansa, scarred by her experiences is no longer trusting, will she be able to connect with her sister? Perhaps, this journey home won’t bring Arya the warmth and happiness she’s wishing for. Perhaps, it no longer fits. Maybe, it’s not her.